Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Notes from the Underground...."I hear he's got a big black..."

I hear He's got a big black....
By Yolo Akili

After following up some blogs today, I came across the media blitz over that Guy from College Hill who has nude pics on the net now. Many of the blogs talked about how, even though it was horrible that he got nude pics released, at least he was hung. I kind of cruised over that statement the first time until I was like...wait...what if he wasn't hung? What if his dick wasn't however big it is? Would it then be a source of shame as opposed to celebration? Would his self worth as a sexual being be diminished in lieu of having a phallus that was deemed "ordinary" or "small?"

That brought me to the big dick conversation that many people are having. I know for many of us, it’s a hard conversation to have, but we really need to talk more about it. we need to talk about the way in which maleness and sexual worth is tied up to how long, thick and wide your dick is and how that has traumatized, wounded and really created a culture of insecurity and pain in men who have different dick sizes, those who do not have dicks, and those who define their sexuality primarily through a phallic-centric lens. In other words those of us who believe, sex = dick, the dick is the center, and all other acts outside of penetration are just foreplay ya’ll know what I’m talking about.

So let’s have talking points, shall we?

1). I’ve talked to a lot of men, straight and gay alike, who have talked about how through the consumption of pornography they learned that their sexual valor would be defined by how big their dick was and how hard they could fuck. Many of the men talked about being really unsure about their penis size, and feeling insecure about sexual performance.

African American men particularly, expressed a lot of concern over not being a "real black man" because they don’t have long "jungle dicks", (they’re words, not mine), this in itself had further created a disconnect from their bodies They felt "less than" and that lack of fulfillment in themselves in many of these scenarios' led to a lot of abusive and controlling behaviors towards their partners. They were especially jealous of any other male attention their partners received. What was the fear about? He might have a bigger dick than me. Of course this is connected to internalize racism for me, because where did this stereotype of the "big black dick" come from? It came from racism, and the fear of black male sexuality.

2). Interestingly enough, that stereotype, which I believe is so destructive, is embraced by many black men to be the truth. Black men just have bigger dicks right? Contrary enough I’ve slept with enough black men to know that our penis sizes vary.
I also understand that one of the reasons black men hold onto the big black dick theory is because it is in many ways an attempt to replace the patriarchal masculinity that racism has not allowed them access to (institutional power, etc). What’s jacked up is that the embrace and upholding of this still fuels racism and the murdering of black male bodies everyday. It’s a no-win situation.

3). I’ve also spoken with Trans-men who do not have penis' and they speak of the desire for a phallus; and feel that because they do not have the appendage there is something intrinsically missing about their maleness. I’ve spoken with older men and disabled men, who because of prostrate cancer or another condition cannot "get it up" or "squirt it out" and now are struggling with the idea that thier maleness is in question and thier sexual worth is null and void but is maleness really all about the dick? Can we make our maleness, our male sexuality, about something else besides the dick to help us all have better sex lives? I wonder what would it look like if our manhood as men was not measured in inches? Can a man who is impotent, or who has hard time getting erections still have a rich and healthy sex life? Can he still be celebrated and honored as a sexual being? Can he value himself? Can we create a world where comparison of bodies in this "standardized norm" does not make someone less than? How can we imagine sex so that our dicks are not just weapons we plow through someone, and so that no matter what we have, we can love and appreciate our bodies and gain and give sexual pleasure?

I believe that we who identify as men have a lot of work to do in relationship to our bodies and to sex. We have to find ways to have the difficult conversations that are necessary for healing about our dicks, dick size-and learn to build a sense of inner sexual worth regardless of where we fall on the spectrum. We have to learn to embrace our bodies fully in all their complexities and differences in order to experience the full realm of possibilities and pleasures they can bestow upon us. We have to learn to explore other mediums of pleasure that are not simply about wham bam thank you Sam, and cum on someone's face. And we have to talk about women who have penises too.

And let me be clear that I, myself, don’t exist outside these cannon. I am, and am always doing intentional work ( journaling, affirmations, personal history writing) to help myself develop a sense of self worth that isn’t about how big my dick is, or that I have a dick at all. I want to experience my full humanity – and for me that means not allowing sexual adeptness to be the crutch of my sensuality.

I don’t know. Just thoughts. I would love to deepen this conversation.

What do you think?


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